Social Clock: How Society’s Timelines Create Pressure

Do you ever feel like you’re behind everyone else your age because they are reaching big life milestones, but you’re not? It feels like every day, you’re getting wedding or birth announcements from people you went to high school with. Or they’re posting about their job promotions on Facebook while you’re left wondering if you’ve missed an invisible deadline.

This pressure to keep up with everyone else is more common than you think. Psychology has a name for this: the social clock.

According to social psychologist Bernice Neugarten, people tend to adhere to a social clock. The social clock is a set of societal expectations that dictate when people should achieve certain life goals—like finishing school, getting a job, or starting a family. But what happens when you’re not following the typical timeline? In this article, we’ll explore what the social clock is, how it impacts mental health, and why it’s important to create a timeline that works for you.

What Is the Social Clock?

In psychology, the social clock refers to the culturally and socially constructed timeline that dictates when people are expected to reach certain milestones in their lives. The ideas was first introduced by social psychologist Bernice Neugarten in the 1960s. She noticed that societies tend to have implicit expectations about the timing of life events. This includes a timeline for events like finishing school, starting a career, getting married, and having children.

The idea is that the social clock sets an “ideal” pace for these events. For example, in many cultures, there’s an expectation to complete higher education in your early 20s, get married by your late 20s or early 30s, and start a family soon after. If you follow this general timeline, society tends to view your progress as “on time.” 

However, deviating from these expectations can lead to stress and judgment from others. For example, people who put off marriage and kids so they can focus on their careers are often judged. This pressure can be particularly strong for women who wait to get married and have kids (or decide to forgo it altogether).

Specific social clocks vary across different groups. Expectations differ across cultures and even among subgroups within the same culture. What’s considered “on time” in one culture might be early or late in another.

While these norms aren’t visible, they can create a tremendous amount of pressure. People who don’t achieve these milestones by a certain time are often left feeling like they are failing. They may even feel like they are out of sync with their peers or the rest of society.

While these social clocks are based on societal expectations, we internalize them deeply. They become so ingrained that we often gauge our own success by whether or not we are meeting these invisible deadlines. They might seem like they are coming within because these social expectations have become so deeply ingrained. 

How Do Social Clocks Affect Our Mental Health?

If you’ve ever felt like you were falling behind your peers, you know it’s not a great feeling. Not only can it make you feel like you’re out of sync, but it can also take a serious toll on your mental health. The pressure to meet those deadlines, whether having kids by a certain age or reaching certain career goals, can create tremendous stress. And when you don’t meet those milestones at the prescribed time? Well, you might be left with feelings of anxiety, depression, and poor self-esteem. 

It not only chips away at your self-esteem, it can leave you feeling less satisfied with your life in general. Evidence suggests that feeling like you’re not at the place in life where you “should” be can play a role in unhappiness. 

For example, research suggests that how people see their social clock (and their ability to adhere to it) plays a role in well-being and life satisfaction. People who felt that they were fulfilling these expected roles according to their social clock were more likely to report feeling satisfied with their lives. They also reported higher outcomes in those areas and fewer symptoms of depression.

The comparison trap doesn’t make it any easier. Because social media is so prevalent in our lives, we tend to spend more time than ever comparing ourselves to others.

While we might consciously realize that we’re only looking at a highlight reel of their lives, it’s hard not to compare your own life when it feels like your peers are posting about their engagements, promotions, children, new homes, and vacations. When we compare ourselves and find ourselves lacking, we’re left with feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

It’s important to recognize that our social clock isn’t all bad. It can positively influence our lives by creating structure and motivation. Having that general timeline of how you might want your life to go can help you plan ahead and give you goals you can work toward. Some people enjoy having this type of motivation. That timeline gives them a comforting sense of structure that they can use to direct their energy toward getting the things they want in life. 

The problem is that this structure can become a problem if things don’t go according to plan. So, when a relationship doesn’t work out or when you have to shift gears because of a career change, you might be left with feelings of pressure, discomfort, and distress. 

Whether the social clock helps or harms you depends on how closely these expectations are tied to how you value your worth. If your self-worth is defined by your ability to meet these societal expectations, you will experience serious negative effects if you don’t meet those invisible deadlines. If that’s something you’re struggling with, it’s important to recognize that there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Giving yourself a little grace eases some of that pressure and improves mental well-being.

Differences in Social Clocks Across Cultures and Generations

As you might imagine, the social clock isn’t the same for everyone. Different cultures have different expectations. It can also differ from one generation or one social group to the next. What you consider “on time” for your society can be considered early or late in another. 

For instance, it can be helpful to look at some of the social clock differences between individualistic and collectivistic cultures. Western cultures tend to place a big emphasis on independence and individualism. Reaching milestones like moving out, getting a job, getting married, and starting a family happen earlier in life. 

On the other hand, some Eastern cultures have a more collectivistic perspective that places a greater emphasis on collective well-being. There’s an emphasis on the family and community, so many of these milestones happen a bit later. It’s not unusual in some societies, for example, for adults to continue living and caring for their parents well into adulthood. While Western societies might view that as delayed independence, Eastern cultures might see it as a sign of respect and care for family.

Social clocks also differ from one generation to the next. For example, while Baby Boomers and Gen X adults adhered to a more defined timeline in terms of getting a job, getting married, and starting families by a certain age, Millenials and Gen Z adults aren’t following the same set of expectations. 

It’s also important to acknowledge the role that economic factors and societal shifts play in determining social clocks. Student debt, rising housing costs, and changes in the job market have made it more difficult for young adults to achieve the milestones established by our traditional social clock. Social expectations have also shifted, placing a greater emphasis on personal growth and exploration. 

The good news is that the social clock is much more flexible today than it was in the past. Societal pressure to conform is still there, but there is a growing acceptance that everyone’s journey is different. Just because someone is taking a different path doesn’t mean something is wrong with them.

How to Challenge the Social Clock and Create Your Own

Trying to live your life according to other people’s timelines can be stressful and exhausting. The good news? You don’t have to. While it isn’t always easy to redefine success and live on your own terms, it can pay off in terms of reaching your goals and finding your own version of happiness. 

It also helps that more and more people are embracing the idea of setting their own personal timelines. Instead of trying to tick off boxes on an imaginary social checklist, let’s focus on setting our own unique goals that support our personal self-fulfillment.

How to Redefine Success

The first step toward challenging the social clock is to redefine how you think about success. Instead of defining it by society’s timetable, think about what it means for you. Maybe you want to focus on your career and don’t see settling down with a family in your future. Or maybe you want to focus on building a life that allows you to travel or pursue your hobbies.

No matter what your priorities are, understanding what matters most to you will help you feel happier and more fulfilled than following some preset societal timeline.

Psychological Benefits

Once you start living by your *own* expectations, you’ll feel less compelled to compare yourself to your peers. It can be freeing. Rather than always feeling like you’re not measuring up, you get to experience the peace and joy of self-acceptance.

When you break free from the social clock, you can start to live your life more authentically and do what makes you truly happy. That might involve returning to school later in life or shifting gears on your career. It provides a greater sense of personal autonomy, which can ultimately promote greater well-being. 

Practical Tips That Can Help

So, what exactly can you do to let go of the social clock and find ways to live your life according to your own timeline?

• Show yourself compassion: Remind yourself that everyone’s life is different. That means your journey won’t be the same as someone else’s. That means that there’s no “falling behind” in life. You are where you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
• Set personalized goals: Think about what you want and not what society thinks you should want. Some goals might align with the social clock, while others don’t. By setting goals that are meaningful and personalized, you’re more likely to feel fulfilled by both the pursuit and the outcome.
• Seek supportive relationships: If the people in your life are pressuring you to live up to the social clock, seek out connections that can provide a different perspective. Surround yourself with people who understand you and support your goals. Don’t be afraid to seek out friendships and mentors who see the value in pursuing another path.

How to Cope With the Social Clock

If you feel like you’re off the clock, there are some things you can do to take some of the pressure off:

• Remember that it’s a common experience. Many of your peers are struggling with the exact same feelings.
• Reaching milestones at different times doesn’t make you a failure. There’s no right or wrong time to reach a goal, and some goals aren’t for everyone.
• Don’t pressure yourself to make choices based on timing. For example, don’t stay in a relationship because you feel like you “should” get married.
• Limit your social media if necessary. If comparing yourself to others is making you feel unhappy or pressured, take a break for a while and limit how much time you spend on social media.

Final Thoughts

The social clock can have a powerful impact on our expectations for our lives. While influential, it doesn’t have to control your life. Yes, there will be some expectations for when certain life events tend to happen. However, there is an increasing acceptance of the individual differences that play out in people’s lives. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Set goals that help you find your own version of happiness and work on a timeline that works best for you.

Sources

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Pekel-Uludağlı, N., Akbaş, G. Young adults’ perceptions of social clock and adulthood roles in the Turkish population. J Adult Dev, 26, 105–115 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-018-9298-9

Peterson C. C. (1996). The ticking of the social clock: Adults’ beliefs about the timing of transition events. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 42(3), 189–203. https://doi.org/10.2190/MMDD-F9YP-NPN8-720M

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